I am a bright person, so everyone tells me that knows me, however I never thought I was very special as a child. I stumbled through life in a haphazard way, tripped by my completely uneducated mother, beaten by a father who never realized that booze was destroying everything in his own life.
I eventually tried a drug, LSD, at the age of 18, still in the US Navy at the time. Whereupon I could suddenly read writing on the walls (literally), I could also look into my own mind as if it were a kind of library of my life. I closed the books as soon as I opened them. The stories were not happy, the pages were covered with darkness and ignorance.
But the LSD opened up other windows into life that I'd never considered before. Maybe there really was some kind of God of the universe. Before that I was simply an atheist. Yet, logically, I knew that belief in a God of anything was merely a choice to avoid saying "I don't know."
From within my own mind there flowed a jumble of images, some hideous, some gloriously beautiful. All of them were unique to me, never seen before. The world was different from that point forward. I was living in a kind of far future science fiction world like someone from the year 10,000 AD.
It scared me, sometimes. The LSD was not always as pure as the first times. Sometimes it was not fun, nor pretty. But every time, in some way or another, it was an educational, eye opening event.
I am too old now to even consider trying that kind of drug. There are many kinds of modern replacements, and some old fashioned ones. The mushrooms and other natural forms of hallucinogens were sometimes the best, although they could also seem rather sickening. DMT was very short lived, STP (whatever that was) was very awful and long lasting. The stuff kids use today seems very dangerous, even the weed is too strong.
I miss those days, though. I miss being young enough to take LSD and go on a hike in the woods, appreciating the intricate web of nature like no other times. I would take LSD and enjoy time with a girl, sometimes enjoying things somewhat too much.
Anyway, the days of LSD are probably long behind me, except that -- if on the day I die that I could somehow know it was my last day -- and I would like to do LSD, maybe some Xanax as well. It would be a nice journey out of this amazing life to the frightening prospect of complete blankness.